1. Only write when s/he comes. Muses are shy, spontaneous creatures. If you don’t ever force them to do anything, they will shrivel up like raisins.
2. Get on Facebook. There’s an app on every Facebook profile, whether you want it or not, which will grab your muse by the hair, and suck him or her dry.
3. As a matter of fact, this disgusting parasite is on every page of the internet.
4. Allow Eddie (your internal Editor) to tell you that your book sucks and you should never, ever show it to anyway will make your muse run away sobbing and then die a long, miserable death of a broken heart.
5. Always stick to the plan. Spontaneity, remember? Without a chance at spontaneity and a breathing plot and characters, your muse will die of boredom.
6. Never have any sort of plan. Muses actually thrive on structure, even if it is only little. If absolutely ANYTHING goes they will get overwhelmed and collapse in a puddle of tears at about the third chapter.
7. Compare your writing to another’s. Your muse will go on strike holding a sign that says: “My Author Thinks I’m Not Good Enough.”
8. Delay writing when you feel him or her tugging. Muses actually encouraging a writing session is rare--if you don’t write when she says, she will hide for months in someplace stupid, get a dreadful disease, and die in delirium.
9. Write and read blogs before working on novels. Never fails.
Now please, don’t kill your muse.
Image from Wikipedia.