Monday, March 31, 2014

Just Start

this is a Kansas sunflower
and it has nothing to do with this post

A little over a month ago, my friend Braden asked me to guest post on his blog, The Storymonger. Because of time constraints, he said I could use one of my older blog posts instead of coming up with something entirely new. When I asked which one he’d like, he picked The [Un]Importance of Inspiration.

Ah. Yes.

As I went over that post, I found myself having to update it. It refers to events that specifically relate to August 2012, and the act of simply past-tensing them didn’t sit well with me. I was reminded of my blog, how much I enjoyed it, and how I lost it. I lost a lot of things in 2012 and 2013. Most of them were probably my fault. Some of them definitely weren’t. All of them hurt.

But hey, maybe I could start blogging again. This post would go live on his blog March 31st, and since I included a link to my own blog, it would be great to use this month to get new content up, right?

My blog is out of date. The descriptions of myself and everything else are old. The format feels cluttered. Cluttered with 16, 17, and 18-year-old me. Obviously I have to revamp. I have to reconsider. I have to figure out where to start and where to go. New posts must sparkle with the polish of my “golden years” of blogging, or no one on my still-clinging follower list will want to read them. I need energy. I need purpose.

I’m a perfectionist.

I felt the need to live up to where my blog used to be. To pick certain days to post, to have posts that stick to certain topics, to hit that 500-and-under word limit, to edit and to refine and to figure out where this blog is going and make it abundantly clear to everyone. 

Four posts. Four posts on writing, Robin Hood, God. Or if not that, whatever great new direction I will be taking. Revamped style. Rewritten bio and story explanation. New photos. De-cluttering. That is what people will see when they click from that post to this blog. That’s the March Perfection.

Or maybe, I’ll never start.

I have a Perfection or Nothing mentality. If I’m not going to be perfect, what the point is trying? If I can’t be perfect, why should I bother?

When the demand is Perfection or Nothing, I crack under my own pressure. The result is Nothing because I can’t even bear to start. I might get it wrong.

This is why I’m writing a post at 1 AM on March 30th. I still put a lot of weight in deadlines. Especially if I tell friends that I intend to write blog posts in March (that would be Braden again--dang it) or mention in author blurbs that I blog, present tense (double dang it).

Funnily enough, the title of this post has been in my head for at least a week, possibly two, now. Even that isn’t enough to get me going, apparently.

But here I am.

I go by Nairam. I will all-too-soon be 21. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, or this blog.

But I’m starting again.

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